Celebrity Jeopardy MGS style
by ChrisHawk87
Summary: Episodes of Celebrity Jeopardy featuring MGS characters
1. Episode 1

I don't own any MGS-related items, they all belong to Kojima, and Celebrity Jeopardy belongs to SNL.  
  
Episode 1  
  
Narrator: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy, here's your host, Alex Trebek!  
  
clapclapclapclap  
  
Alex: Thank you, and welcome to a special series of Celebrity Jeopardy. This is a special Metal Gear Solid series of Jeopardy, featuring characters from the popular game. Let's meet our special guests. First we have Solid Snake.  
  
Snake: Thanks Alex, Do you know anything about a new Metal Gear being developed, 'cause if you do. . . points SOCOM at Trebek  
  
Alex: I should run away, right now. Next is former Colonel of FOXHOUND Roy Campbell.  
  
Roy: Hey Alex, did you hear about that purple stuffed worm in flap jaw space . . .  
  
Alex: You already told me Roy, 10 times today. And our last guest is . . . Sean Connery.  
  
Sean: Trebek, we meet again.  
  
Alex: Can anybody tell me why he is here? Anyone? No? OK then, let's see the categories they are, POTENT POTABLES, HOLIDAYS INVOLVING EASTER BUNNIES, NUMBERS BETWEEN 1 AND 3, THE BONE REEL, this category shows a picture of a bone and you have to tell what bone it is, so ignore it, DAYS THAT BEGIN IN "THURS", and COLORS OF ORANGES. Mr. Snake, pick the first category.  
  
Snake: How about, hmmm, FAMOUS BRANDS OF CIGARETTES for $100.  
  
Alex: Uhhh, that is not a category.  
  
Snake: 'Cause my favorite is Marlboro.  
  
Alex: I really don't care. Mr. Campbell, do you mind.  
  
Roy: I don't wanna pick a category.  
  
Alex: But Mr. Campbell, according to the rules, you have to pick one.  
  
Roy: I don't give a damn about what that piece of trash said! Do you get me?  
  
Alex: OK then, Mr. Conner . . . oh I'll just pick the category, DAYS THAT BEGIN IN "THURS" for $200. "This day is not Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday, but this day.  
  
buzz  
  
Alex: Snake!  
  
Snake: What is Metal Gear THURS?  
  
Alex: No, the answer is a day of the week. I'll give you a hint, it begins with "Thurs" and ends in "day".  
  
buzz  
  
Alex: Uhhh, Mr. Connery.  
  
Sean: You know Trebek, I hear you're happily married.  
  
Alex: Well, yes I am.  
  
Sean: And you have well-behaved children, too.  
  
Alex: Well yes, but why?  
  
Sean: Oh nothing, by the way, how were you able to impregnate your hushband? Hahahahaha.  
  
Alex: Oh come on, that isn't funny.  
  
Snake: That was a good one Sean, hahahaha, hey I'll buy you a beer tonight and we can talk about how gay Alex Trebek is, Hahahaha.  
  
Sean: Why that shounds very fun, would you like to come Trebek, but don't forget your tampons, you know what thoshe buffalo wings did to you before, hahahahahahahahaha  
  
Alex: Uhh, no I don't Mr. Connery. Let's just end the show right now.  
  
Roy: That wasn't according to simulation, Mr. Trebek, finish the show.  
  
Alex: . . .Ok then, Mr. Campbell I'll, go according to your simulated version of this show. By the way, the answer to the question was Thursday, that is the only day that begins in "Thurs".  
  
Sean: Hey Trebek, I have shtory to tell you.  
  
Alex: I don't wanna hear it.  
  
Sean: OK, I'll jusht end it by shaying that you have a new baby shtep- brother. Hahahahahaha.  
  
Alex: Oh, that was just wrong. Snake may I borrow your SOCOM.  
  
Snake: Only if you tell me where the Patriots are, you green gray-haired rookie.  
  
Alex: Snake, the Patriots don't exist, this isn't Metal Gear Jeopardy no matter how much you want it to be.  
  
Roy: Mr. Trebek!  
  
Alex: Oh, the simulation crap, thingy . . . Ok let's move on to Final Jeopardy, and the category is, NAMES OF STATES, ok I think that's too hard for you, all you have to do is write a letter of the alphabet. Start now.  
  
Final Jeopardy theme plays  
  
Alex: That's it. Write any letter. It could be A, or T, or Z, any letter.  
  
theme stops  
  
Alex: OK, time's up, Snake, let's see what you wrote. And you wrote the letter - you pucnhed the writing board. Now there is a giant fist mark on the writing board. And you wagered - DIE LIQUID! Now what was that fir?  
  
Snake: Liquid possessed the podium, the podium tried to get Liquid out of its mind, I tried helping by punching it. But it didn't work, so I wrote this.  
  
Alex: No matter how not so hard you tried, "DIE LIQUID!" is consisted of letters, you may win if the other two don't write letters. Mr. Campbell, let's see what you wrote. You wrote - you drew a picture of a worm and three balls around him.  
  
Roy: That's a purple-stuffed worm floating around in flap-jaw space.  
  
Alex: Very well then, you wagered - scissors! You drew scissors?  
  
Roy: Yes, I need scissors! 61!  
  
Alex: OK, you wagered $61. Finally, Mr. Connery.  
  
Sean: You show your face to me to Tampax-wearing bashtard!  
  
Alex: Let's get this overwith. You wrote - an upside down horseshoe? Well, in ancient Greek, that is Omega, which is a letter you got the Final Jeopardy category correct. I must be the drugs or something. Anyway, you wagered - oh, oh my, a picture of a dick and two balls is shown inserted into the horseshoe well, uhmmm . . .  
  
Sean: A close to shcale drawing of me and your mother lasht night. Hahahahaha  
  
Snake: Hahahahahaha  
  
Roy: Hahahahahahaha  
  
Alex: OK, I'm going to go home and hit my head against my wall until I fall unconscious. See you next time on Celebrity Jeporady. 


	2. Episode 2

I don't own anything here, blah, blah, blah.  
  
Episode 2  
  
Jeopardy them plays, then stops  
  
Alex: Welcome back to our Metal Gear Solid version of Celebrity Jeopardy. For those of you watching, I assure you walk out of living room right now. Let's look at the scores. Raiden . . . no last name given . . .has -$2500, because he repeated the questions I asked him every time?  
  
Raiden: Every time?  
  
Alex: Yes, every time. Did you not listen to the words I just said?  
  
Raiden: Words? Said? I don't understand.  
  
Alex: For the love of God, shut your mouth. Revolver Ocelot has a commanding lead of $0, for he has never rung in, all he did in the first round was polish his revolver.  
  
Ocelot: Ha! This whole Jeopardy act is actually a scripting for the Patriots called AT, short for Alex Trebek.  
  
Alex: I feel like I want to punch you. And finally, setting a new Jeopardy record with -$1,300,625 . . . Sean Connery.  
  
Sean: Trebek, you dare queshtion my intelligence? Well then, how 'bout I queshtion your mother's virginity? Hahahahaha.  
  
Alex: Terrific. Let's look at the categories. They are, POTENT POTABLES, SOCKS, LETTERS BETWEEN A AND C, POTPOURI, KITTIES, FAMOUS CONDOS, and finally, NAP TIME. Unfortunately, Mr. Connery, it's your board.  
  
Sean: I'll play your little game Trebek. I'll take SOCKS for $10 thousand.  
  
Alex: How about SOCKS for $400. And the answer is, These are parts of the body where you put your socks on.  
  
beep  
  
Alex: Mr. Raiden.  
  
Raiden: Me? I'm not so sure.  
  
Alex: If you're not so sure, then why did you buzz in?  
  
Raiden: Buzz in?  
  
Alex: Please NBC, fire me.  
  
beep  
  
Alex: Mr. Connery.  
  
Sean: Alex Trebek.  
  
Alex: Yeah, that's my name so?  
  
Sean: Ishn't that the anshwer? The category is SUCKS and I shaid Alex Trebek, who sucks. Hahahahahaha  
  
Alex: Someone, kill me now.  
  
Ocelot: Don't mind if I do.  
  
Alex: That was supposed to be sarcastic. Anyway if I died, Mr. Connery would probably kill himself and torture me in hell.  
  
Sean: Damn shtraight.  
  
Alex: Mr. Connery, pick another category.  
  
Sean: I'll take FAMOUS CONDOMS for $3 million? Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Alex: That's FAMOUS CONDOS, not CONDOMS. Ocelot just pick any category.  
  
Ocelot shoots the $600 space for LETTERS BETWEEN A AND C  
  
Alex: I wish I had a gun to shoot you all! Anyway, LETTERS BETWEEN A AND C for $600. This is the only letter between A and C.  
  
beep  
  
Alex: Raiden, and please don't repeat anything.  
  
Raiden: Understood.  
  
Alex: Thank God. Name the only letter between A and C.  
  
Raiden: Letter? A and C? Only? This is too hard!  
  
Alex: Good Lord! Obviously the only letter between A and C is B. B. B. B!  
  
Raiden: I have a bitch for a wife.  
  
Alex: I really don't care.  
  
Sean: You should be talking Trebek. You have your mother as your wife, who's alsho my wife, and all this mans's brothers' wife?  
  
Sean Connery points to random man in audience.  
  
Alex: You know what, let's move onto Final Jeopardy. And the category is, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? All you have to do is right your name.  
  
Final Jeopardy theme plays  
  
Alex: You can write your first name, last name, nickname, A name, I really don't care as long as it is a name.  
  
Theme stops  
  
Alex: OK, let's see how you guys messed up. Raiden you wrote down, What is my name??? You don't know your own name?  
  
Raiden: No, I'll pick my own name, and pass on more than just DNA to my child.  
  
Alex; Shut up. Let's see what you wagered, $???, 3 question marks next to a dollar sign. I'm speechless. Ocelot, you wrote, you put a bullet-hole in the podium.  
  
Ocelot: No one knows that my real name is Ivan Shalashaska, and no one will ever find that out.  
  
Alex: I wish I can choke you, but according to NBC law, I can't harm any contestant, that's why I'm filing a lawsuit. Finally, Sean Connery, you wrote, SC, you wrote your initials. I think we'll accept that as an answer. And you wagered, Suck Cock Trebek.  
  
-uck is under S and -ock is under C and Trebek is under both words.  
  
Sean: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Alex: Very funny. Once again, I'm going home, and plotiing the murder of Mr. Connery. Good nght everyone.  
  
End of episode. 


	3. Episode 3

Once again, yo no owno anything.  
  
Episode 3  
  
Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. In reaction to what happened before the commercial break, I advise everyone, SARS is no more living on this stage. Let's look at our three special MGS contestants. Returning once again, is Solid Snake with -$13.  
  
Snake: Can I ask the audience somrthing? If any of you f***ed a woman named Olga and know where her child is, can you inform me, please?  
  
Trebek: Once again, Snake, that was only an act, stop living in your fantasy world. Next is twin brother Liquid Snake, also with -$13.  
  
Liquid: See Trebek, our genetic codes identical, so whatever amount of pounds he earns, I earn.  
  
Trebek: It is dollars you stupid Brit (no offence to British ppl). Lastly we have. . . It appears that our third contestant has contracted SARS due to our two other contestants and will be replaced. I bet it is Sean Connery. I just found out it is NOT Sean Connery, but our replacement is Burt Reynolds.  
  
Burt: Hey Alex, its an honor to compete against James Bond and Goldilocks.  
  
Alex: That is not James Bond and Goldilocks, that is Solid and Liquid Snake.  
  
Burt: . . . No that's James Bond. And that's Goldilocks 'cause he has, uggghh, uhh blonde hair.  
  
Trebek: Whatever. Let's take a look at the categories. They are POTENT POTABLES, WET THINGS, IS THIS HARD OR SOFT, THE MOLE STORES, these are stores in which are owned by moles, and since they can't own stores, the answer for each question is "no", COLORS, TYPES OF CLOTHES THAT END IN "WEATER", and finally, STATES THAT NEW YORK CITY IS IN. Burt Reynolds we will start with you unfortunately.  
  
Burt: Gimme uhhh . . . gimme the color one.  
  
Trebek: OK, COLORS for $200. This is the color grass is.  
  
Trebek: Liquid.  
  
Liquid: The same color as my dead brother!  
  
Trebek: Uhh no. Not only is that wrong, but it didn't make sense. Solid Snake.  
  
Snake: The same color as my dea-  
  
Trebek: That was already given. Why did you same the same thing.  
  
Snake: I thought since Liquid's the inferior one, I'll get it right instead.  
  
Trebek: Wow. Mr Reynolds.  
  
Burt: What is orange.  
  
Trebek: No that isn't right.  
  
Burt: . . . Yeah it's right. That's the color of my ass.  
  
Trebek: It's grass, not ass. The correct answer was green. Green is the color of grass. What is it Liquid.  
  
Liquid: Then what's the color of Burt Reynold's bloody ass!  
  
Trebek I assume that means WET THINGS for $800. This wet liquid comes from a kitchen faucet. Solid Snake.  
  
Snake: LIQUID! He can't be in the question. I'm the superior brother!  
  
Liquid: Hahaha. Metal Gear is mine.  
  
Trebek: I don't understand why they haven't mad the stage an insane asylum yet. Mr. Reynolds, pick another category.  
  
Burt: Gimme . . . THE MOLESTORS for $10,000.  
  
Trebek: That's MOLE STORES, not MOLESTORS.  
  
Burt: Nah it's MOLESTORS, you made a typo with the extra E, besides MOLE STORES don't exist.  
  
Trebek: That's correct, oddly. How long has it been since I said someone was correct. You get all the money in the category. Pick another one.  
  
Burt: Gimme MOLE STORES for $3.  
  
Trebek: You answered correctly on all those questions by saying mole stores don't exist.  
  
Burt: Sure they do, I've been to one, they sell good pancakes.  
  
Trebek: Moles can't make pancakes,  
  
Burt: Yeah well that's your opinion.  
  
Trebek: Uhhh . . . Snake, Mr. Reynolds is working for Liquid.  
  
Snake: DIE!   
  
Trebek: Mr. Reynolds are you aware of a bullet lodged in your head.  
  
Burt: Huh huh, yeah, it's funny.  
  
Trebek: No it isn't, you could die.  
  
Burt: That makes it more funny.  
  
Liquid: Y'know Snake I never seen that bloody bastard in my whole life.  
  
Snake: Oh, my bad. Here, have a cookie.  
  
Trebek: Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is, HOW OLD ARE YOU. To get this correct, write how old you are.  
  
Trebek: You can write a number, you can write old, or young, or you can write in the form of "somewhere between 0-100 years old."  
  
Trebek: OK, Snake, all you had to do was write your age, you wrote, old enough to know what death, in parenthesis (Liquid's death), looks like. You're old enough o know hat his death is like. He hasn't even died yet.  
  
Snake: He isn't, my bad have a cookie.   
  
Liquid: Thanks, but it's not tea time yet. I'll just shove it in Mr. Reynold's mouth.   
  
Trebek: Anyway Snake, you wagered, a pack of cigarettes. You wagered a pack of cigarettes. Unbelievable. Liquid, you wrote, I AM Big Boss! Once again, no you are not.  
  
Liquid: From now on call this stage, "Outer Heaven."  
  
Trebek: How 'bout we call it the KILL SEAN CONNERY CONVENTION.  
  
Liquid: Even better! I think FOXHOUND has a place for you. You could be, Jeopardy Chicken.  
  
Trebek: Woo-hoo, I am member of a non-existant group of idiots. Finally Burt Reynolds, you wrote . . . nothing. You wrote nothing.  
  
Burt: Sure I did. I wrote   
  
Trebek: It appears that Mr. Reynolds has blown up. I'm going home now to pick his pieces of his dead carcass off my body. Good night everyone. 


End file.
